Fix You

“When you try your best & you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need”

This song explains how I feel right now. I know I have to be thankful for what I have & that I am much more fortunate than most people. Lately, everything in my life is just complicated. So bipolar. I am content one day, I am suicidal the next. Seeing other people with a more amazing life: a boyfriend, money, a best friend of a mom, a beautiful body, a great college future. I want all of that, & I feel that I deserve that. It is bad to say that but I do not care right now. I will be damned but I do eveything for people,  always putting them first all the time. I do not expect to receive anything back but DEEP down, I do. Is it not a curtious thing to do? My sister is driving me insane. I am like her mother, I get angry at her like my mother. But my arents have no idea that I get frustrated with her like that. Why should I let them know? I want to tell them but I have this protective side for Ghianna. I just cannot stop hoping that the next day, she will not piss me off. Jenna and Camila. Two of my original best friends. One of them I do not see everyday, the other I do. Do not get me wrong, I love them with all my heart and we have a beautiful friendship but……I was hoping they could tell that something was wrong with me. Like I am waiting for a telepathic message for them to receive and they will drive up to my house & just hug me. Say everything will be okay. Say that they will always be here for me. That they are sorry that they have not been there. Of course I cannot just expect that. But deep in my heart, I feel like they will. I have to many high expectations. I may present a careless, low emotion but I expect so much. So much that I hope I will feel happiness again. Like how today is Mother’s Day. Made my mom a beautiful breakfast for her to eat. But no, she went back to sleep. I would type “Happy Mother’s Day” on Twitter or Instagram with a follow up on how much I love my mom. Sadly, I do not consider her a mother. A mother does not lash up on her child for no reason, she does not call her fat or point out her flaws, a mother supports her child with everything they do. I should be used to how my mom is right now. Fuck it I am not and never wil be. I know she will not change. I want to hate her. but I fucking cannot hate her. I sent my Aunties and Ninangs texts about Mother’s Day. I got a better feeling from them than my mom. How sad. How sad that I ask them to adopt me behind my mom’s back. That is how much I am getting close to hating her. Or how I thought I was somewhat descent enough to get asked to prom. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES! do you all just want to get laid? Do you not want a real girl that has good intentions anymore? Oh wait, I go to RBHS. Home of the douchebags.I just want to stop crying every night, complaining about everything because that is not me. I hate being weak. How can I make myself happy when the world will not let me. I do not want to keep fighting. I just want to walk through my life with a huge smile on my face, cherishing the good things without havng to worry about anything. Is that too much to ask? If it is, I am sorry that I am an unhappy child. Might as well die.

Nothing

”Am I better off dead, am I better off a quitter?”

That is what I feel like. Nothing. Like I am not worthy enough. I cannot get the best grades, get a boyfriend, get the best clothes, the best body, or the best mom. I know I should be feeling blessing & not taking anything what I have for granted but I cannot help it! Why are who those stupid drunks getting everything? I have better morals & a hell of a better dignity than them. I do not know. I am at a point where I do not know what to do with my life. My mom is a bitch ass cunt. I do not give a fuck if that is mean or disrespectful but it is true. My respect & my views of her are forever bad. She is just any other person to me. The only bitch that frustrates me the most. The reason why I have tear stains on my pillows. Fuck her. One day, I will flip a bitch at her. I will not regret it. God just typing this is pissing me off. I have to fucking fake my damn attitude around her. I wish I could flip her off. Damn. Everything she has done for, every sacrifice does not matter. All because of how she is. I do not blame my grandma for how my mom turned out. Everyone has the ability to change. She will not change for me, she said so herself. What kind of fucking parent is that? Dad does not deserve her. I was born from the wrong person. I rather live off on my own. 6 more months until I’m a legal adult. Right now, I do not know what happiness feels like anymore