Numb

“Time, some things never change here we go again
Feel like i’m losing my mind
Shake it up, let it go I don’t care anymore
Just go numb”

I honestly will never be content with my life. It is like inner peace is impossible for me to achieve. Out of the 4 important things in my life (academics, friends, family, love) I cannot seem to have it all. Am I a horrible person? Yes I cheat, yes I curse, yes I take things for granted, yes I disobey, YES I AM A LOT OF THINGS. But it is not like I am a murderer or a thief. I just want to feel happiness. Unless life has destined for me to suffer first, constantly be depressed. I do not know what to do anymore. Is it too much to ask to be happy? I had so many plans, plans that would lead me to happiness. I really, really need to figure everything out. I guess I need to be alone. I cannot help myself but to put others before myself. I am at a point where I am subconsciously telling myself that I need stop. I have to help myself. It is unhealthy to be this way. I just do not want to feel anything right now. I want to be numb. I just care way too much, want too many things.

Beautiful Goodbye

All the pain you try to hide
Through your mascara lines as they stream down from your eyes
And let them go, let them fly
Holding back, won’t turn back time
Believe me, I’ve tried

January 1, 2013. Wow, so much for starting the year with a whole new attitude. i just cannot help but think and hang on to all my issues from the past year. I did claim I was happy. I am happy….right? I guess my friends just do not understand that I have not felt any sort of accomplishment. Sure I am a good kid, drug-free, that clean slate. But that is not enough in my book. I still hang on to that regret of not surpassing my limits with academics. I was so driven to be the best, had high expectations and standards for myself, my future. It just vanished. I cannot take it all back. I cannot get into an Ivy League school, let alone any UC schools. It is flattering to hear from people that I am diligent or intelligent. I sadly cannot own up to that perspective of myself. I want to be positive about everything, it is slowly working. But it is just like a hang nail, my regret. Sitting here, in my aunt’s living room, my face lit by the iPad and the Christmas tree has just got me thinking. I honestly think I have an mental issue. I am in denial that something is wrong with me. People say I have been strong about everything, I disagree. Sure, I have had suicidal thoughts, defied my parents because of boys. I learned from all of that. I just need to say goodbye to all of the negativity, embrace all my flaws, expose my potential skills, & welcome happiness. I guess I just want fast results. But patience is a virtue. I need to work on that. I can do it. Time to reinvent myself. I do hope though that life will be even more beautiful.

2013

1. Eat Healthier & In Moderation
2. Work Out 3-4 Times a Week
3. Only Have Music on while Doing Homework
4. Use the Planner & Organizer ALL THE TIME
5. Be Patient
6. Be Understanding
7. Be Determined
8. Be Reasonable
9. Be Confident
10. Do Not Focus on Boys
11. Do Focus on Family & Friends
12. Bring Out the Inner Asian at School
13. Do Have Fun When Deserved
14. Only Spend $50 a Month
15. Do Not Let Anyone Bring You Do Or Get to You
16. Manage Your Time Wisely
17. Be A Kid at Times
18. Be an Adult Most of the Time
19. Be Happy

Ho Hey

“I’ve been trying to do it right, I’ve been living a lonely life”

EXPECTATIONS

Mrs. Floto told me to make a list of what I look for in a guy so I can refer back to it to keep myself from making mistakes and getting my heart broken

• Intelligent
• *An Amazing Sense of Humor
• Enjoys Playing with Children
• Family Oriented 
• *A LOVE FOR THE BEST FOOD OUT THERE
• Enjoys rollercoasters
• A True Passion for Something That is Not Pointless
• Enjoys Animals (Excluding Cats)
• *Does Not Smoke Weed, Abuse Drugs or Drink
• A Good Sense of Fashion
• Can Introduce Me to Something New and Exciting
• *Can Get Along with my Family
• *Can Support Me $$$ Wise
• *Gets Along with My Friends
• A Sensitive Side
• A “Manly” Side
• Can Accept Small Dates or Big Dates
• *Can Plan an Amazing Date All Himself (occasionally involve my best friends)
• Does Not Listen to Metal or Country Or Emo
• Can Be Sensitive to My Feelings
• A Good Listener
• A Person with Great Advice
• A Best Friend
• Not Too Church Crazy

*HIGHLY ADVISED IF POSSIBLE

Senior Year Priorities

• 4.3 GPA all year (including progress reports)
• GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE USUAL EFFORT
• Be more organized (always use your planner, have a schedule)
• 2nd SAT = 1800
• 3rd SAT = above 2000
• Save 70% of the money earned
• Spend 30% of the money earned 
• Limit the times upsetting the parents
• Do not get caught up with other people’s lives, be thankful for your own
• F uel O nly O r D ie (so you can stop complaining about being fat)
• When you start eating healthy/making healthy choices STICK TO IT
• Have that dream body, the one that will make those girls jealous (;
• Be the perfect student/that optimistic, go-to classmate 
• Attend every home football game
• Take pictures of every moment with the favorites
• Never “hate” or “love” just anybody, the maximum possible = “dislike”
• Continue putting others before yourself & looking for the greater good within people
• Have a better wardrobe/sense of fashion (seriously, hitting 18 soon)
• NO BOYFRIEND (even though RB has nothing to offer…..disappointment)

Be the best Vanessa Rianne Alejo Salvanera that has ever set foot on this Earth. Cheers to one hell of a year!

Some Nights

“But I still wake up, I still see your ghost, Oh Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don’t know anymore”

This is it. The year 2012-2013. The final year, senior year that is. What a shame it is for me to continuously think about my past. Constantly wishing I was much more diligent for my future, my success. Nope, I cared about the most useless concepts; boys, popularity, my biological father, being someone else. I want a lot of things, things that most people do not deserve. I arrogantly say I deserve those things. Of course I plan to work hard for it. I always say that. It never happens. Well it will. These past weeks of being away from the social scene has got me thinking. I grew up. I set my priorities straight. Getting closer and closer to college is terrifying me. Sure my parents support the community college path but I know I have so much potential. I am not a “Morenne Almanza” or “Matt Devlin” but I can be damn close. Researching the places where I want to go woke me up. So much money just so I can apply to the 5 colleges of my choice. $442. $442 that includes 5 colleges applications, 2 SAT tests, and 2 SAT Subject test. I have so many decisions to make. I feel like I have to finalize them right away. I do not deserve a care free, easy, breezy year. That is how my last school years have been. It resulted to average grades that will not get me anywhere. Damn it, I will make my way to the top. I will prove everyone wrong. Most importantly, I am surpassing my limits. No boyfriends, no distractions. Even though deep, DEEP down, I want to date my first two ex boyfriends again. Then again, they are just some cocky, druggie, losers. But they are so attractive. Damn good looking people. God I feel so much better. I have been wanting to talk to someone about this. I have been strangely stressed and terrified about my future. I need to balance everything. I will be that intelligent, attractive woman who has priorities though can be the perfect wing woman and great company (party wise). Man, challenge accepted. ahahhahahahha. I can do this. Like daddy would say, “Do what you got to do”. I will, so my teams can come true.